A Daughter Reflects on Her Mother's Advance Directives

​“Just put me in a cottage by a lake,” my mother Ruth used to say in her lucid moments.

That was in the years when her cognitive abilities were declining due to Alzheimer’s. Ruth had worked hard to create the strongest possible advance directives before her dementia would make that impossible. She was adamant that she did not want to live beyond her memory.  But in conversations she initiated on how she wanted to end her life, my mom (who loved food) eventually just said, “Well, I think I’ll just stop eating, when I’m ready.”

In the summer of 2012, sitting by a lake in Vermont, Dick Walters (my father’s cousin), and his wife Ginny Walters, both strong advocates of end-of-life choice, introduced Ruth to the idea of adding an important to her directives. This additional component would make it clear that she did not want to be fed when she was unable to feed herself.  Ruth worded the directive: “No one will hold food to my lips or put it in my mouth unless I direct them to.”

When my mother could no longer age in place, we were fortunate to find a small group care home near a lake, where the staff were open to following the directives she posted. When Ruth passed away, we were grateful that she died peacefully in the way she had chosen. Her carefully thought out directives played a crucial role in making this possible. 

Jenia Walte